#1001BEDTIMETHOUGHTS
6 2 66/26/2018 Kau pernah bilang, jika saja kau ada di posisinya, kau akan menangis saat membaca tulisanku. Pernah juga kau bilang, jika saja kau ada di posisinya, kau akan terus mengejarku dan menjagaku. Aku berbeda dan kau terpana, tapi kita sama-sama tidak tahu sejauh mana khayalan itu kita pertahankan.
Selamat ulang tahun, Stitch. 26 dan 26. Hari ini adalah hari ke-140 yang kujalani tanpa mendengar atau membaca satu katapun darimu. Kurang, atau lebih dari itu. Sejak hari tanpa angin itu, kau berlari jauh dari sisiku untuk mewujudkan cita di sebuah kota yang menduduki peringkat ke-3 di hatiku. Tanpa pernah menoleh sedikitpun ke arahku, tanpa tahu tubuhku bergetar hebat saat kau pamit tiba-tiba. Menjelang Hari Raya, bisa kubayangkan suasana kekeluargaan di rumah Opa yang sama-sama kita sayangi. Tak banyak yang kuketahui tentang beliau; kau hanya mengizinkan kami bertemu sebanyak satu kali. Apakah kau dan keluarga besarmu pergi menjenguk Oma di tempat peristirahatan terakhirnya? Apakah Nubula turut membantu mempersiapkan opor dan ketupat? Apakah kawanan manis manja nya ikut mengatupkan tangan karena sering membuatmu repot dengan bulu-bulu dan bekas cakaran mereka? Keluarga besarmu tentu berkumpul, dan aku setengah berharap aku akan menari di pikiranmu saat salah satu dari mereka bertanya, “mana pacarmu?”. Menjelang Hari Raya, terbesit di pikiranku untuk mengunjungi Opa dengan sekotak sarung dan peci spesial, sekeranjang parsel, atau beberapa toples kue dan mungkin seekor kelinci. Sialnya, di satu-satunya kesempatan yang kudapatkan, aku terlalu sibuk menikmati merdu suaramu hingga tak mampu mengingat rute menuju rumah Opa. Lebih sial lagi, aku tak memiliki jenis ingatan yang memampukanku mengingat getar pita suaramu dengan tepat. Aku juga tak yakin Opa masih mengingatku. Kalau iya, aku harap Opa bertanya padamu tentangku, gadis kecil yang tiba-tiba meramaikan rumahnya beberapa saat sebelum adzan maghrib berkumandang. Aku merindukan Opa. Sangat rindu. Lahir dan tumbuh besar tanpa sosok seorang kakek membuatku ingin terus bertemu dan bercengkrama dengannya. Aku bisa belajar main catur darinya, lalu mengalahkanmu di putaran berikutnya. Selain namamu, aku kerap membawa beliau dalam doa yang kurangkai menuju surga. Kadang aku setengah memaksa Tuhanku untuk menjaganya, menjauhkannya dari segala musibah, dan yang terpenting mengaruniakan kebahagiaan untuknya. Tak perlu bicara betapa aku rindu pada sosokmu yang hangat. Rasanya untuk sekedar mengingat siluet tubuhmu pun aku tak layak. Akan tetapi, aku juga belum bisa melupakan kaus lengan panjang warna abu-abu yang melekat ketat di tubuh gempalmu, menjagamu tetap hangat, meski tetap saja kau mencari sepasang lengan kecil ini untuk menyamankan hatimu. Yang juga masih kuingat adalah dua telapak tangan yang kasar namun mampu merengkuh hatiku yang remuk dengan begitu lembut, sehingga tak perlu aku berpikir dua kali untuk menyerahkannya padamu. Sayangnya, belum pernah sekalipun kusampaikan itu di telingamu. Jangan minta aku melupakan rambut ikalmu yang menggantung seimbang di sebelah kedua telingamu dan membingkai pipimu yang tak kalah bulat dengan pipiku. Jangan minta aku melupakan rasa bingung yang muncul saat pertama kali berkendara dengan Enigma. Jangan minta aku melupakan kacamata ibu yang kau patahkan, gitar akustik ibumu yang hilang di tangan kawan, mainan HappyMeal yang tak masuk di akalku, dan terutama sepiring mie instan goreng dengan saus cabai yang tak sengaja kau tambahkan. Jangan minta aku melupakan fakta lama bahwa bahagia memang sederhana, kau yang membuatnya terasa begitu mewah. Ooh, kurasa aku memang belum melupakanmu sedikitpun. Saat bayangmu melintas, sakitnya terasa ke ujung kuku kelingking kaki kanan, jauh-jauh dari sudut pikir, menyebar ke setiap milimeter permukaan hati, dan akhirnya rintik hujan turun dari kedua mataku. Terlalu dramatis, bukan? Bermimpi bukanlah hal yang mudah untuk dilakukan, tapi kau memilih itu dengan berani. Tetaplah jadi dirimu yang sesungguhnya, yang percaya pada mimpi-mimpi besar dan mewujudkannya tanpa lelah. Merangkak jika harus, berlari jika perlu, terbang tinggi hingga kau berada di tempat yang kau inginkan. Jangan pernah berhenti, janji, ya? Janji pada dirimu sendiri. Ngomong-ngomong, jerseynya jadi muat? Happy Eid; you have nothing to feel sorry for. Happy Birthday; you are still loved. Idealnya, #1001BedtimeThoughts diterbitkan beberapa saat sebelum gue tidur. Kali ini entri diterbitkan beberapa menit sebelum jam 6 pagi karena tokohnya selalu berlari-lari di ruang pikir tanpa kenal waktu.
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T H R E E12/17/2017 I swear those two nights are the best nights I have in the entire month. During the past few month, I got lost for so many times. I had to keep up with everything, saving things that was actually dead from day one. I haven't let myself loosen up with my signature laugh and tease anyone in a while. I haven't stripped myself to my bones in a while. When my world turned super chaotic, this fluffy mammal swam his way in and really made some huge differences. You know it was right when you don't have to wait for them to finish their sentence because their mind echoes in your hollow heart. More than just a Pisces guy, he is basically a huge mirror standing in front of me. We are too identical, down to the core.
This guy is more than just a cutie. He's smart and charming. He doesn't talk much, but when he does, you will crave for more. His voice is definitely a type of sound you need to hear before you die. Hugging him was like hugging your favorite thick blanket. Warm, and comfortable. You just don't let go, especially when it's windy and cold in the city, or when you need a hug to hold all your pieces back together. Holding his hands was like holding a broken soul and see it heals itself, and your broken soul too. It was just that good. I found myself looking for him at the lobby right after he left. I kept replaying all the questions and answers, and laughed at the picture of him being too nervous when he walked me back to my building. I have never made any guy nervous because I'm always a basic girl. I like how he fed my ego pretty well and truly gets why it needed to be fed.. And he kinda likes me. And I kinda like him, too. He's the type of person who cannot be unseen when he walks into the room. However, My Beringin Buddy is a cup of latte I shouldn't have had when my stomach was empty. But hey, look at the bright side. I have one more person who knows who I really am beneath my skin and bones, and doesn't judge. I felt a lot better, too, especially with the warmest hugs and kisses. We both know that we need to keep our distance, but we also know that we both secretly look forward to more one-solid-hour coffee breaks. Right, Whale? A M12/5/2017 It was 4 in the morning when a sweet dream with you in it had me jolted back to my dark and cold room, missing you more than ever, wishing so bad I could speed up the days to my arrival in your lovely home town. In my dream, you wore light gray t-shirt and you looked even more muscular. It's the body you've been wanting to have and hell yes, go work for it because you look hella nice and irresistible in it. As always. You were somewhere in my room, and I kinda knew it was a dream (still had that lucid dream skill from high school days, cool, right?!) so I reached to you and hug you as if it was our last hug. I smelled your perfume. God, I know what it is. It's home. I'm home. I'm finally home. And you giggle, seeing me missing you in your arms. You said, "I thought you have another guy friends. They can hug you, right?" And then I said, "There can be 15-16 guy friends and none of them hug me the way you do. I've never felt more belong before. I like you." So you looked at me in the eyes and you giggled again, because I was spilling it foolishly like an honest little kid. How I wish I could bottle all your giggle and laughs, your smiles and smells, your gaze and your embrace.
Damn, how could someone be so flawless like you, even in a dream? I wanted to call but I might get emotional and sob like anak TK yang lupa dijemput because it is emotional. I want to let you know that I like you. So much. It might sounds dumb, but I am anyway. I am dumb. I don't care how foolish I sound. I like you a lot. I should have said that the last time you were here, or in the middle of the last call. I should have let you know everything I have in mind about you and that you matter to me. How sad it was to see you walked away, heading back to your home town after a warm hug. Or two. How I miss your scent even though you haven't showered. I should have at least give you a hint that I'm ready to start again and make some mess, if it's with you, also that I will not give you up to any circumstances. You're the best part of the year and life, and I'm not down for losing you. You make me feel so many things. Maybe you don't like me the way I like you. Maybe I'm just one of your flings. But you; you are one hell of a person to me. Definitely not just "one of the boys". You are one hell of a gift. I must have done something great in the past that He sent you to my miserable life. You're the star, the best thing that ever happened in the entire galaxy. I like you to every bits, scars, and fractures in your soul. Your presence means the world. For the first time in many years, I find home again. When I was lost, wanted to go somewhere safe, I could only think of you. I find capabilities. Possibilities. In you. You're the biggest surprise the universe has ever given to me. And I'm a mess, but I'm blessed to be stuck with you. And no, I'm not drunk. Of anything but you, Dit. About Me"A neighbor, a lover, a joker, or a friend you can count on forever." - Dee Lestari ConnectArchives
June 2018
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